you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Randomize
