Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
