R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
