you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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