The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
