dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
