My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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