HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
