Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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