fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
