My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
