Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Randomize
