Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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