Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i want to swaddle you in tequila
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
