i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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