OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
