someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
