Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
