sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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