he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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