Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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