Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
