fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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