I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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