One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
