Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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