you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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