there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
