we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
