the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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