i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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