she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
