I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
