'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
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They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
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I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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