Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
