As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
