Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
