I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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