So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
