Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
