I'm gonna have a badass scar
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
