I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
In America we eat man semen.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
