well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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