help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
My ATM looks so different sober.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
