i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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