I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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