And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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