Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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