So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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