I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
