Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
