My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
