how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
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Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
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This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.