Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
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i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
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Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS