3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party