i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
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Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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