If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
