i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
