Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
