You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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