'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
