dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
